Aritarg Works at Staples
I see fire and brimstone in the future...

written by Kari Muffin and Lilu

... This is almost what it's like to work at Staples as customer service.

The store was empty, as per usual of a Saturday morning. The manager wasn't even in yet as Aritarg walked into the store. Kari and Lilu had dropped him off since he was a dragon, and couldn't drive of course. Plus the two of them didn't want to deal with him killing clerks anymore. He had to get a job... he an immortal god of evil.

Now, all he had to do was clock in using the miracle of a touch screen. Haha.

He had learned to arrive fifteen minutes early to perform this feat of cunning and acrobatics. After all, he only had two talons on each foot, and a tail besides, and this stupid, infuriating system insisted on being CASE SENSITIVE. He had discovered that every now and again just bashing his head against the touch screen would hit the proper letters and numbers, and that his talons very rarely did. Now his tail, on the other hand, that was a useful appendage, but it took a long time, staring over his shoulder up three feet to the register until he could make certain he had spelled out his personal password.

He stood with his weight on his foreclaws, tucking his wings down as far as they could possibly go as he stared over his fluorescent red uniform shirt. Really. Was there any less garrish color they could have chosen?

Jab. Jab. Attack. Grar. 

His tail painstakingly spelled out the first three letters, and he turned to make certain there were only three secret dots on the screen. R. A. I.

Oh for his sake! The caps was not properly turned on. DELETE DELETE DELETE.

TRY THIS AGAIN.

Headstand! Tuck wings! Stare over shoulder! JAB JAB JAB ATTACK!

R. A. I. Q~!?

GRAH.

DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE.

HEADSTAND! TUCK WINGS! STARE OVER SHOULDER! DIE YOU STUPID MACHINE BURN!!!

R. A. I. N. B. O. W. 6.

He had been mocked, oh yes, by those infuriating aisle boys who trolled the lanes for customers when those illiterate morons heard his password one day. Had they never heard of the greatness that was Tom Clancey? Mortal with a sense of proper violence, that man was.

He stood on his hindclaws and stared at the screen. 

The log in screen showed the time and his name, he was five minutes late. Wonderful. He tapped the green in button on the screen. Finally. Now he had to log in to the proper cash register.

He didn't get paid enough for this. Couldn't they have some sort of special system for people without hands. Or... make a special exception for THE god of evil? No. Corporations were worse than the god of evil himself.

Anyway, he made his way over to the cash register and preformed a similar balancing act. Headstand, wings tucked, stare over shoulder, and slam numbers on the screen. Take that!

It took five tries. Two customers were already waiting to check out. Stupid mortals.

"Hello!" said an average looking woman. She had about two items. A stapler and a notepad.

*Hello... and do you have your Staples Rewards Card?*

"What's that....?"

Stupid mortal. It was on the FIVE BILLION SIGNS! HOW COULD YOU MISS THEM? He refrained from growling. "You get... 10% back on paper, ink and the Copy and Print Center...."

Die mortal. Die.

"Oh, what do I have to pay?"

*It's free.* Aritarg mumbled as he stared at the various pamphlets littering the side of the cash register. He had to find the right one and hand it to the woman to fill it out. STUPID LACK OF HANDS.

He impaled one with his talon and jabbed it at the woman. "Fill this out," he suggested angrilly. 

She stared at it. "Oh, okay," she said airily. And she took the pen and seriously stared at the form, as if she couldn't remember her own name. Aritarg stared at her as hard as she was staring at the form.

"I just got married. We got a new house. I don't remember the address. Hold on. I'll call my husband."

Aritarg stared at her, then at the GIANT LINE OF HUMANS. Dismay and FRUSTRATION AND SOON TO BE DEATH!!!

He calmly knocked the phone off the hook and smacked the ENTIRE NUMBER PAD with his face. 

A friendly voice rang out, "Cashier to the front end. :D Cashier to the front end." 

Clearly things like this were Gratira's doing.

"Oh, yes, that's right, thanks sweetie!" the woman said merrily. 

Aritarg turned back to her with immense exasperation. He stared down at her painstakingly slow writing. What, did she have an IQ of six?

"Here you go!" she chirped as the line just got longer.

*Thanks,* he growled, and turned towards the keyboard to punch in her address and information.

Forty-nine Hillcrest Villa, Pottstown.

Suuuure.

5409 hjuiklk;lcv rest vgikllas pottydstoown 

Aritarg glared at the screen. Sure. Perfect. Phone number.

651209545454

Well. That was plenty of numbers. He was sure they'd get ahold of someone at that line.

He now had to punch out the temporary card and scan the barcode. He impaled it with his talons and pulled with his teeth. It came out in a ragged strip. Sure.

Boop! went the scanner table.

*Don't lose that,* he snarled at the woman. And then he rang up her items. Boop! went the stapler. 

"..." went the notepad. Oh for the love of!

"..."

"..."

"..."

Aritarg glanced at the line and banged his head against the phone again.

"Cashier to the front end! :D Cashier to the front end!"

Something need to be set on fire. He growled. All right. All he needed to do was type in the SKU number. Right. That was really going to happen. *Hold on one moment please.* He grumbled as he looked at the line of people forming. And then...

"Call on line one for Customer Service. Call on line one for Customer Service."

He hissed. *JAMIE GET OVER HERE NOW!*

One of his coworkers came running. She stopped at the second cash register and smiled happily. "I can take the next few people over here!"

That wasn't what he meant. Banging his head on the countertop he looked at the register. Now he had to slam the numbers in and get the right item. Slamming his tail onto the keyboard he got several numbers in the cash register.

An item came up. Well. It wasn't the right item, but it was good enough.

*Your total is 20.45*

"Uh... that's a little much."

*... YOUR TOTAL IS 20.45!*

The woman squeaked and fiddled with her wallet. She pulled out $100. She handed to him wide eyed.

He stared blankly for a moment. He hit the total button before and then the cash button. Now he had to type the amount that was given to him into the cash register. Would this get anymore painful?

Headstand. Slap. Slap. Slap.

HA! HAHA! TAKE THAT!

The cash drawer opened now he had to make change. For 100. He rolled his eyes. Grabbing the money as best he could with talons he dished out the bills to the woman. The only problem was the change. How... was he supposed to... pick up... tiny... metal... objects?

He grabbed the recipt and handed it to the woman. There. Stupid mortal. Deal without your bloody metal change.

He slammed the cash register door closed, and the woman bolted. Now it was the next person. A man in a bussiness suit with an office chair. In a cart. "Can I have someone help me take this out to my car?"

*Of... course, sir. Can I scan the bar code?* Stupid. Mortal. Die.

"Uh... I think it's on the bottom."

And the SKU number wasn't displayed on the side of the chair like it was supposed to be. He slammed his head on the desk before grabbing the scanner with his tail. In some amazing feat he managed to scan the chair while it was in the cart.

599.99.

Screw the replacement plan.

The man slashed his credit cart through the machine. He waited with the pen poised to sign.

A little message popped up on the cash register's screen. "Employee Number and Password."

...

He needed a manager to approve the transaction.

*MANAGER TO CUSTOMER SERVICE FOR NUMBERS. NOW.*

Then the manager could take the stupid thing to the mortal's car. At least he seemed smarter than that other one.

"Is there ... a problem?" the business suit man asked.

Yes. He worked at Staples. 

*No problem at all... sir.*

The manager scurried around the counter and slammed in a series of numbers.

*He needs it in his car,* Aritarg said as decently as he could manage. He offered a pleasant grin at the man, who looked a little nervous about this.

"Oh! Sure! No problem!" 

Aritarg impaled the receipt and jabbed it at the man. Manager Steve rolled the cart out as Jamie exhausted his line and wheeled the cart out merrily chatting about that particular chair. 

The next cart contained a small child. Well, for his sake. How was he supposed to scan <i>that</i>? He didn't even know they <i>sold</i> children.

"MOMMY LOOKIT! ITS A DRAGON!!" the child chirped. 

"Shush, Roberta. Hell-o!" she chirped as she sat her items on the counter. "You know, I was looking for a pack of post-it notes that come in lavender. Just the whole pack. Do you carry those?"

"How come you're a dragon? :D"

Ugh. How disgusting. Human spawn.

*No... we don't sell single packs of just Lavender Post-it notes. We have a GAINT POST-IT NOTE SECTION WITH ALL OUR POST-ITS IN IT.* He wanted something to die. Now.

"Mommy! Why is he a dragon?"

Human spawn was on his list of things to kill.

"Oh well then," She said blushing a bit as she watched him scan the items.

*Do you have a Staples Rewards Card?*

"Oh yes!" She said as she fiddled through her purse.

"Mommy!"

*SHUT UP HUMAN SPAWN!*

The child burst into tears as the woman found her card and dropped it on the counter. She tended to her child as the dragon tried to scan her Reward's card.

It wouldn't scan.

....

....

He slammed the numbers into the machine with his tail. No. He didn't care if she got credit or not. It went to SOME customer.

Impaling the receipt he shoved it in the bag. *Have a nice day.*

Stupid human spawn screaming. He could shut it up in an instant, but noooo he needed to work so he could use this strange "money thing."

Okay. Next Customer.

Dead silence.

Where did all the customers go?

He glanced at the Copy and Print Center. Oh. That's were they all went. Now he still had to get that call on line one...

He glanced at the phone and picked it up off the floor with his tail. Slapping the whole keypad with his talons he managed to pick up the call.

*Hello, this is Staples, I'm Aritarg, how may I help you?*

"Er...I ... I think I have to call back. I'm having a break down or something."

Stupid. Mortals. All of them needed to DIE!

The phone rang again.

"Call for Customer Service. Call for Customer Service."

Aritarg slammed his head on the keypad again, picking up the number. Take that stupid mortal phone!

*Hello, This is Staples, I'm Aritarg, How may I help you?*

"Hello... can I have you look something up for me?" Quis asked in a sugary sweet tone.

Aritarg growled. *What do you need?*

"Can you look to see if they have an HP printer in stock? HP DS135"

*Can you hold on one moment please.* He slapped the hold button and and slammed the phone down. No one was really in the store so he could run to wherever the woman wanted. Blasted mortals and their blasted inventions.

He glanced around and found the proper printer. Okay. They had the stupid thing in stock. He ran back to the phone. *Yes, we have those in stock.*

"Can you look up the price?*

....

....

....

STUPID MORTAL.

He ran back to the printer and found the printer again, looking at the price he ran back.

He picked up the phone.

The mortal hung up.

ARGH THAT WAS IT. HE WAS TAKING HIS LUNCH BREAK.

Even though it was only two hours into his shift. Nine hour day too.

Now he had to spend fifteen minutes trying to log out for his break. Jamie could take the front end. He was going to treat himself to real food. Meat. These mortals at least had that around.

After a frustrating fifteen minutes he managed to type in his password and log out for his meal break. Muttering he managed to slip out of the door and head to Arby's. Now he had to order food from stupid mortals.One thing after another, he was never going to have a break.

He walked straight to the counter and bellowed orders. *I want a number five MORTAL. NOW.*

"That'll be 6.25, sir," said the person behind the counter.

He needed money for food didn't he? Lilu and Kari had let him borrow ten dollars. Now he just had to struggle to get the money out of the pouch around his neck.

Five minutes and he managed to produce the ten dollar bill. The man hastily accepted it and offered him change. Victorious Aritarg snagged his food and proceeded to scarf down the food, curely fries and all, in one gulp.

Now he had to get back and not punch in late.

He was twenty minutes late.

"Can you help Joey in the back?"

He snarled up at his manager. *Sure,* he drawled and clicked his talons the entire way to the back. Joey, oh Joooo~ey, his brain sing-songed. Oh, him! Was he really sing-songing? Secretly this was the problem with the humans! They worked these absurd jobs until they went <i>INSANE</I>!!

It made sense. 

"Hey, um, I need something heavy from the top shelf. Can you, uh, help me out?" He leaned down to read Aritarg's nametag. "Arg-hiddy-mor-tall?"

Aritarg looked dubiously at the ladder, then stretched his wings and fluttered up to the top shelf. *What?* he shot.

"Um, yeah, I need that shredder, uh three boxes to your right."

Aritarg took a glance at the shredder, then kicked it down with his talons, leaving huge renting scars in the cardboard. It landed with a satisfying clatter.

"Argh-die-mortal to the front end. :D Argh-die-mortal to the front end."

*Excuse me.*

He leapt down, landing with a clatter of talons, and sauntered off again to the front end. There was again a line of humans standing there, waiting to check out, and Jamie was again nowhere to be seen. Useless. 

He clattered into his box and glared at the first customer. It was a mousy looking human with black fur on top of his head. "Hi, um, I want to return this."

*Sure. And why is this?*

"Well, um, it doesn't work. It flashes these error messages, and y'know, easier to just get a new one than repair a broken one, right?"

*Do you have your receipt?*

"Oh, yeah, here." The human gave him the paper, and Aritarg inspected it.

*I can't make this return,* he said flatly.

"What? Why not?"

*This purchase was in November. It's now June. We have a thirty-day return policy.*

"But--"

*If you believe your product was faulty, contact the developer. Not my problem.*

"But--"

*NOT. MY. PROBLEM.* WHAT DID THESE HUMANS NOT UNDERSTAND THEIR OWN LANGUAGE IN THEIR HEADS!?

"But--"

*GOOD DAY, SIR. NEXT.*

A short human spawn and her father shuffled up to the counter. He scanned their three packs of pens and announced the total. *Four dollars.*

The human spawn dropped a pouch on the counter and began sorting through coins to find four dollars. He blinked. Seriously. Really. How about that.

He was tapping his talons on the floor by the time the human spawn was done counting, and then he had to count it himself. How many blasted orange coins did she really need to give him? He was muttering by the time he'd counted four dollars and somehow managed to slam it into the cash register. The coins weren't where they belonged, but that was not his problem. 

Off they went, and Aritarg considered what he would do with his paycheck today. He'd got this job in order to pay for his desired Orange Juliuses. But there were orange and strawberry and mango and pina colada choices as well. There were Options, should he choose to pursue them and--

"Excuse me!" a bossy looking human woman said, sounding more than a bit tetchy. He turned a red-eyed glare on her.

*WHAT, mortal?* he demanded.

"Does Phil still work here?" 

*What!?* 

"Does Phil--"

"Mom! I told you not to look for me here!" Phil muttered and ushered the woman off. 

Aritarg rolled his eyes as the next customer approached in a worn old coat and fur that looked like caterpillars coming from his head. Aritarg glared at him as he placed a set of rulers on the counter.

*...* he said, glaring at this boy as a brown Hirgyae, one of his  people fluttered up behind him, wearing the marks of another god. *...!!!* he glared at them.

"..." the boy answered, not quite looking at him, but at the same time not quite looking away. More looking through. 

Glaaaaare.

He scanned their items and the boy pulled what looked suspiciously like a butterfly folding itself into a credit card from his pocket. He slid it through the card reader, pushed a series of buttons. All the while, Aritarg glared at them.

Oh, something would be done about this blatant insurrection!

But the boy did not issue challenge. Nor did his Hirgyae companion. They silently exited the store, and the next customer approached.

And the phone rang.

*Customer service. Please hold.*

"No, I can't hold! This is a life or death emergency!"

Aritarg blinked at the phone. Iiiinnntteresting.

"I need to know how much ten boxes of paper will cost! I need to know it now!"

Less interesting.

*Please hold.*

"No, I--!"

Click.

Set. The place. On fire.

The next man in line came up to the counter. "I need a TomTom 2.0 GPS."

*That. Doesn't. Exist.* He may not have known much but the GPSes were right in front of him in a big brightly labeled display box. You had to be an idiot to miss it. Apparently this mortal was.

"No but--"

*DOES NOT EXIST. GO HOME YOU MORON.* He added a hiss for good measure. He was sick and tired of this and he was only....

Five hours into his eight hour day.

Argh. What next.

The next customer walked up to the counter with a cart filled with... various things. Too many things in the dragon's opinion. Why on earth would you be buying packaged food from Staples? This mortal was.

Ding.

Ding.

Ding.

Halfway through the items the scanner stopped working again.

*RAWR!* He bellowed as he tossed the scanner halfway across the store. It hit the floor with a awful clatter. All of the customers proceeded to stare at him blankly.

The manager quickly came up to the front desk. Aritarg watched as someone quickly went to cover the two other cash registers. All right he didn't have to deal with anymore customers. He would just have the manager complaining at him about throwing things.

Enough was enough! He was the immortal god of EVIL and didn't have to listen to some foolish mortal! He growled and went to pick up the scanner. Now, somehow, it worked.

The day continued to drag on and on. It seemed like a snail's pace.

But finally the time came where he could leave. Not until he tended to some idiot mortal's need though. He headed towards the paper aisle to get a price check on some copy paper. However, another customer so kindly stopped him.

*ENOUGH. LEAVE ME NOW MORTAL OR PERISH!*

The customer ran off. However the manager came over again to reprimand him. Of course. "Argh-die-mortal, I'm afraid with your attitude we're--"

The great and mighty Aritarg didn't wait for him to finish. He simply lit the paper aisle on FIRE. He had enough of this bossing around, enough of these idiot mortals, enough of all the stupid! This place was going to BURN.

Kari and Lilu walked in. "Oh dear," Kari said as she snatched one of the flaming pieces of paper, blew it out, and made a small charred paper crane out of it.

"I don't see how this is paying the gas bill," Lilu muttered as she watched several people run out of the store screaming.

"This was a pretty good Staples too."

Aritarg sauntered over, glaring. *I worked. NOW I WANT ORANGE JULIUS!*

"That's not how it works, Aritarg." Lilu said shaking a finger. "First you get paid, <i>then</i> you get Orange Julilus."

*....*

The manager came over with a worn look on his face. "I think we're going in different directions."

*....*

"Honestly, I thought we went through this," Lilu sighed. 

"Yeah. That twenty minute rant on Kiensian economics was so thrilling. I'm sure he paid plenty of attention," Kari deadpanned, pulling her crane to life. "Viola! Crane flambé!"

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the manager told them sternly. 

*ENOUGH, MORTAL! NONE SHALL OPPOSE THE GOD OF EVIL!* 

There was a loud noise, and Kari glanced out the window. "Is it supposed to rain today?" she asked. And then there was the sound of screaming and another loud sound like an explosion. The shockwave caused the windows to cascade inwards, and Kari blinked at it. "Oh dear." 

"Brimstone. Really," Lilu sighed. 

Aritarg shredded his way out of his garish red Staples uniform. His lip curled back in a snarl, and Lilu and Kari just stared at him.

*I spared your impressive disaster that attempts at being an automobile,* he snarled and stalked from the store.

Outside, the parking lot was a sea of screaming humans and cars-on-fire. Much better.

Muuuuch better.

"You know, Aritarg," Lilu said as she opened the back to her Jeep. "This isn't going to help your financial situation. But I was thinking how we can help. I mean, I hear Lowes is hiring."

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